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  • Samantha Jones

Words I Couldn't Say

I wanted to tell you that you were wrong.

That moment in the car when you told me you had me figured out within 5 minutes of meeting me.I turned my face to the window and laughed it off. But that pang in my stomach…

In that moment I knew you were wrong.

To understand me and fully know me as I am, you have to acknowledge my heart. The love I give willingly and unconditionally. But you never let me in.

And it’s not because I didn’t want you to. God knows I did. I gave everything I knew how. And when that wasn’t enough, I prayed.


Hard.

That God would open your heart, even just the smallest bit. That if I wasn’t strong enough to tear down your walls, He would be. That you would be able to see yourself the way I do. That you would be kind to yourself, and give yourself grace.

That you would know you deserve to love and be loved in return.

But your walls appear to be impenetrable.

From the very beginning you pushed me away. With every nudge I bounced back... but I bent.

I could feel you slipping away. And I know you felt my pain. You saw it on my face.

Isn’t that why you couldn’t bear to be around me anymore? Or touch me? Or kiss me?

As Your nudges turned into shoves, I became weaker but you only grew stronger. And there are only so many shoves I can withstand before I break.

And then it happened. That final devastating blow… you managed to find the words that stopped my heart. How am I supposed to make it beat again after that?

There are a lot of things that I don’t know. And there are some things I may never come to understand. But there are a few things that I am absolutely sure of.

I believe that we were made to love. To experience life through our own eyes. And again through another’s. And once more through our children’s.

That we were created to create. To leave the world better than we entered it. To love so fully and fearlessly that any witness can’t possibly deny it. And I wanted everything with you.

The desires of my heart are to be fearlessly loved by another. To be known and seen. To be wanted and chosen. Every single day. And if you can’t choose me, or won’t, I will.




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